


followed my fears all the way down (and maybe i don't quite know what to say)

by thebubblequeen



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, azula lowkey repressed lesbian, i cant write her redemption arc, its what she deserves, semi happy bc i dont know real meaning of happiness, so i will give her this, zuko and azula actually being siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:12:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26440177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebubblequeen/pseuds/thebubblequeen
Summary: azula would search her reflection, checking her face for any change. she would make faces at herself and blink away the tears. every so often she would run her hands through the long black hair, pulling at it as if she was trying to wake up from a dream. what she once considered her pride was now just a painful reminder of her downfall....or azula's day in ba sing se filled with reminders of her past
Relationships: Azula & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 68





	followed my fears all the way down (and maybe i don't quite know what to say)

Sometimes Azula would sit on the floor in front of a cracked circular mirror Iroh put in her room. When she and Zuko first started coming to visit uncle in Ba Sing Se, she would spend hours looking in that mirror. Not out of vanity. Azula would search her reflection, checking her face for any change. She would make faces at herself and blink away the tears. Every so often she would run her hands through the long black hair, pulling at it as if she was trying to wake up from a dream. What she once considered her pride was now just a painful reminder of her downfall.

Zuko didn’t say a word when Azula handed him the scissors she found in one of the drawers. She ignored the surprised look on his face and sat down in front the mirror, waiting for him to start cutting. The room was silent except for the rusty scissors snipping at her hair. Zuko’s movements were easy, Azula fought the urge to yank the scissors out of his hands and cut it all herself. He was too slow, too hesitant. Was he trying to make it look perfect? Oh the irony of it all.

Every now and then Zuko would meet her eyes in the mirror as her hair got shorter and shorter. Azula watched the strands fall to the ground. She could feel the tears burning in her eyes.

 _Not now_ she thought. _Not in front of Zuko._

This moment seemed all too familiar. Wasn’t she cutting her hair just three years ago?

_What a shame, you always had such beautiful hair_

It was freeing and incredibly painful. Escaping the clutches of her past. Could getting free really hurt this much? She was afraid to ask. Zuko had stopped cutting. The hair reached a bit past Azula’s chin. It was shorter in the back, barely grazing her neck. Azula touched the hair, releasing a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. Zuko stood up, the scissors still in his hand.

„Do you need help cleaning it up? Zuko asked. Azula finally met his eyes in the mirror. _Do you want me to stay?_

„No,“ Azula whispered. „thank you brother.“ He left and she could feel the tears streaming down her face. They were tears of relief.

The next day, Azula found uncle Iroh sitting behind the table in the living room area, only a cup of tea and a bowl with food sitting in front of him.

He didn’t ask Azula any questions. He didn’t mention how she skipped both lunch and dinner and how he found her asleep on the floor. Azula wondered if he knew it was the exhaustion from crying that made her doze off. She supposed he was the one who threw the green embroided blanket over her, but it might as well have been Zuko.

Iroh pushed the bowl of fried rice with uni towards Azula. He took a sip of his tea as she sat down and started eating. Zuko was nowhere to be seen. Azula arched her eyebrows. She tried to inconspicuously scan the room and find any indication of where he had disappeared to.

„Your brother is taking care of the tea shop today.“ Iroh informed her, finishing the last bit of his tea. He stood up, walking around the table and stopping in front of Azula with a piece of parchment in his hand and holding it out to her. Azula looked over it.

She finished swallowing her breakfast and then asked: „What is this?“

„I need you to run a few errands for me.“

„Can’t that shop girl do it?“ She asked, irritated. It wasn’t unusual of uncle to ask her and Zuko to do chores around the shop, in fact it was a common occurrence, and Azula was glad to have something that occupied her mind and hands. Today just wasn’t the day.

„Jin isn’t working today.“

„But-“ She tried to protest once again. Eventually she would come up with a proper excuse.

„Azula,“ Iroh interrupted her softly, there was concern in his eyes. „I think fresh air will do you good.“ He set the list on the table next to her along with a pouch with money he pulled out of his pocket. „Come to the shop when you‘re done.“ Were Iroh‘s last words before he left the apartment.

All Azula wanted to do was curl up in a ball on the floor and fall asleep under the window.

The streets of Ba Sing Se were loud, dirty and crowded. Uncle may have lived in the Upper Ring, but he almost never shopped there. Apparently people at market weren’t as keen on connecting and chatting as he was. Azula rolled her eyes and sighed, the basket light on her back. The list Iroh presented her with wasn’t too long. She took a deep breath. _Shopping time._

Uncle Iroh wanted her to buy vegetables and fruit, visit someone called Miss Jun and at the bottom of the list he wrote _If you see something you like, buy it!_ If uncle was there, she would cast him with an annoyed look. As if lowly Earth Kingdom market had anything that could catch her eye.

Simply getting to various stalls and catching vendor’s attention was a difficult task. It seemed like the whole of Ba Sing Se’s Middle and Lower Ring had decided to go shopping that day. Azula had an older man with a long black beard pressing on her from behind, ushering her to move along while she tried not to trip a woman in front of her. Everything was too loud, the man complained again, a baby cried somewhere near and her mouth suddenly felt dry. She could smell the fish and rotten fruit.

_You will remain here in the Fire Nation_

_My decision is final_

Can she truly escape?

Overwhelmed by the jammed street and the noise, Azula quickly turned at the next corner, sitting down by an empty stall. She brought her knees up to her chest, trying to slow down her breathing. She pulled at the short hair and pressed the palm of her hands against her eyes, shutting them tight.

_No. I love you, Azula. I do._

„Do you?“ Azula whispered. „Do you really love me mother?“

Azula didn’t know how long she sat there, but after a while her back started to hurt from the weight of the basket. She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her green robe and checked the list. She bought the groceries Iroh asked for, at least it looked like she did. Now she had to find Miss Jun, whoever that was. Azula took a few deep, calming breaths before leaving the alley.

She found her way to the square with a fountain in the middle. Zuko had taken her here once or twice already. It was more lively today than the last time she had visited. People were walking around, kids were playing and Azula felt so out of place. A group of children ran past her, bumping into her in the process. She tripped and crashed into someone else, the other person tumbling down. It was a girl. Azula’s breath hitched in her throat.

_Ty Lee?_

It couldn’t be. She hadn’t seen her friend ever since the war ended. Ever since they had sided againstd her. When the girl looked up, Azula felt both relief and disappointment. What would she even say to Ty Lee? Or to Mai. Would they even talk to her? She crouched down to collect the things into girl’s own basket, apologizing in the process. The girl smiled and Azula blushed.

„Are you okay?“ The girl asked with a soft chuckle. It threw Azula off. Her mind wandered all the way back to the Royal Fire Academy for Girls and the times she would look at Ty Lee, hoping she hadn’t notice. (She had, but Azula didn’t know that.) Azula missed Ty Lee’s radiant presence in her life and she missed Mai’s dry humor.

_I love Zuko more than I fear you_

_Come on! Let’s get out of here!_

„Yes!“ Azula snapped, harsher than she intended, but she plunged ahead, eager to escape. „Do you know where I could find Miss Jun?“ It was a shot in the dark, what were the odds that one girl could know uncle’s Miss Jun. For all she knew, there were dozens of Miss Juns in Ba Sing Se. 

„Of course, everyone knows Miss Jun.“ The girl said and carried on to point out directions and naming the streets, telling Azula how exactly she should get there. Azula nodded and thanked her, walking away as fast as she could, ignoring the worried look other girl gave her.

Miss Jun was uncle’s friend. She was blind and loud, she refused to let anyone help her. Her hands were wrinkly and calloused and her white hair was sticking out in every direction. Miss Jun let Azula into her small house and told her to pick a book and read. It left Azula rather confused but she obliged regardless. She picked a book of poems and sitting across from Miss Jun she started to read out loud.

At first, Azula liked the poems and Miss Jun seemed to like them as well. They were very simple. About flowers and beauty, girls and boys and love. But the deeper she went into the book the darker it got. The sun was setting down and soon Azula was reading about war and dead bodies. About those same girls and boys and their love and how it was all ripped apart. Their love turned into fear, they were now laying in the battlefield instead of meadow, hugging only each other’s corpses. Azula felt sick.

„Maybe I should go.“

„Perhaps.“ Was the only thing Miss Jun replied with. It was everything Azula needed to hoist the basket over her shoulder and run home. She couldn’t get the poems out of her head, the most horrifying parts replaying in her mind.

 _Fear is the only reliable way_ , her mind screamed. Images of her father flashing before her eyes.

„No it isn’t!“ Azula yelled, kicking the nearest empty crate, setting it on fire. She had trouble slowing down her breathing. She was so tired of it, So tired of the crying and yelling and the anger. The anger plaguing her mind and her heart. Was Ozai like this? Full of rage and unable to love. Was she like Ozai?

Azula wiped the tears for what felt like the millionth time that day and entered the shop. It was closed already. They always closed early on tuesdays. Zuko was sitting behind one of the tables, scrolls all around him, his fingers stained with ink. Seemed like even he was unable to relax during his so called vacation. Azula set down the basket and took a seat next to him

„Are you okay?“ Zuko turned to her, searching her face, the obvious question visible in his eyes. _Are you thinking about him?_

Azula rolled her eyes. „Of course I am okay. I feel fantastic brother.“ She gestured wildly around her, almost knocking over a tea cup. Her eyes were definitely not burning from the incoming tears. She put her hands in her lap and slowly took a breath.

_One, two, three..._

_I am free._

Exhale.

„I‘m just checking in.“ Zuko put his hand on Azula’s shoulder, small smile on his face. If Iroh saw them right now, he would see the two kids they used to be. A big brother trying to protect his little sister. What a way they turned out to be.

„Thank you.“ Azula whispered. They sat like that for few seconds. The room was silent when Azula stood up, Zuko’s hand falling from her shoulder . She cleared her throat, smiling at her brother, blinking away the tears. „ I will go see how Uncle is doing.“ As she left the room Zuko could faintly hear their conversation in the backroom.

„Come on uncle, I challenge you to a game of Pai Sho.“

„My dear niece, are you ready to lose?“ Zuko could imagine Azula‘s shocked gasp.

„I never lose.“

**Author's Note:**

> i think azula deserves supportive and positive relationship with her family  
> title is from this is me trying by taylor swift  
> thank you for reading, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated <3  
> come yell at me on tumblr, @rangisgf


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